Disappointment

My Hubby and I recently had a conversation with Son #1.  He is now 16 and driving.  We felt it was time to discuss with him how important it is to never get behind the wheel if he has been drinking, or get in a car with someone else who has been drinking.  We wanted him to know that if he ever finds himself in these circumstances, he is to call us and we will come and get him, regardless of the time.  We also made it clear that drinking at his age is unacceptable however, we would rather be disappointed in his choices than claim his body at the morgue.  I think he got it.

This made me start thinking about when I was a teenager.  I was a pleaser and possibly still am.  I did not want to disappoint my parents.  I equated their disappointment and resulting disdain with losing their love.  This, of course was irrational.  My parents never had the above-described conversation with me, and as I reflect on my teen years, I believe I would have gotten behind the wheel after drinking because calling them would have caused them disappointment and therefore they would have stopped loving me.

Even as a young adult, who had been married and divorced, I made choices that I am now apalled at and cannot believe that I am the same person that made them, because I was so afraid of disappointing my parents.

I cannot change the past and I cannot undue the things that I did.  What I can do is make sure I talk to my kids.  That I tell them that even if they make bad choices and disappoint me, I will always love them.  That disappointment does not equal the loss of love.

Okay, now stop reading this and go talk to your own kids and make sure you tell them you love them.

The First Day of Middle School

The date was August 19, 2008.  My not quite 11 year old was up early.  He took a shower, put on his new shorts and shirt and came downstairs for breakfast.  We chatted as he ate and I sipped my coffee.  I had been up for quite some time myself.  Not because I needed to go into work early, but because I could not sleep thinking about the significance of this day. 

This was the first day that he would go to the neighborhood school, instead of the charter school on the other side of town.  This was the first day that he would be able to choose what he wore to school, instead of wearing the predetermined uniform that was required at the charter school.  This was the first day that he would ride the bus to school.  This was the first day that he would come home after school, instead of going to his grandparents home. 

As I prepared for my day, it was all I could do to keep the tears at bay.  About 30 minutes before it was time for him to walk to the corner and wait for the bus, I asked him to pray with me.  I prayed that he would make friends at this new school, that he would be a friend, that he would let His light shine in all that he said and did, and that he would learn a lot.  As I prayed, tears streamed down my face.  When the last amen was said, this not quite 11 year old put his arms around me and said, “It is going to be okay Mom.” 

And it was.  They sure do grow up fast!

Baby Steps

Things have not always been rosy with Son #1 and his mother (ED).  She has spent many years making our lives very difficult.  So much so that it has been 3 years since he last spent the night in our home, not because My Hubby and I don’t want to have overnight visits with him, but because the manipulation from ED put so much pressure on him, we gave up fighting it.  He does visit us frequently.  He comes and plays basketball with his brothers and has attended some family funtions with My Hubby’s family.  My family is a different story.  ED has rarely allowed Son #1 to participate in activities or events that involve my family.  He has been able to come over a few times when my parents have been in town, however ED has only allowed him to go with us to visit them one time, when he was 5 years old.  He is now 16.  The last time he saw my brother was 6 years ago, for about 15 minutes.

A lttle history is appropriate here.  My parents and my brother have always treated Son #1 as if he were my bio-son.  They have never made any distinction between any of my children.  There are birthday and Christmas presents every year and they always ask how he is when we chat on the phone, just like they do for Son #2 and Son #3.  When we have visited, they are always sad that he has not been allowed to come with us and when they are here, they are very disappointed that they are not able to see him.

We were preparing to go to my brother’s house yesterday afternoon, when Son #1 called and said he would like to come over.  My Hubby told him he would love to see him however, we were headed to my brother’s house and then asked if he would like to join us.  After getting some details, he said he would check with ED and call us back.  We did not hold our breath.  You could have knocked us over with a feather when he called back to say that he could go!  My Hubby and I stared at each other for a few minutes in disbelief.  Then we rushed out the door to pick him up before she could come to her senses and change her mind!

We spent 3 hours talking and eating.  My kids and my niece and nephew played for several hours.  It was a great time!

Baby steps.

They are here!

My brother and his family have arrived!  I am so excited.

This is their new house.

It is beautiful!

Did I mention that I am excited?